Life's Favorites
by Dewdrop
Summary: I don't know what I was on when I wrote this...anyways, here's part one of Life's Favorites. Its a game show.


Life's Favorites~Part 1  
  
  
I sure hope you people like weird writing, because this falls into that category. It's my first fic, so be nice. It's a game show and I will be continuing it but only if I get reviews. Enjoy.  
  
  
  
Hi folks! We're your hosts....Elsa and Ellie!!!  
*two beautiful women walk out in slinky dresses, one of them is carrying a microphone*  
Ellie: "Welcome to our show 'Life's Favorites'. We hope you enjoy being here." *both women smile* "Here's the moment you've all been waiting for! Here come tonight's contestants! *the whole POTS gang walk out, looking confused.   
Neal: Hey, you told us this was a strip club! Not some...where are we, anyways??? Definitely not in Tortall...   
Elsa (who is not holding the mic): Duh you idiot. And we never told you it was a strip club! *turns red*  
Ellie: Are you sure you didn't tell him that???  
Elsa: *mumble mumble*  
  
Ellie: Ok! Everyone listen up. Ok, if the contestants could take a seat in the chairs back there...*points to the back of the stage*we can begin! Alright. Here's the rules. For this first episode we will be asking these...ahem...people two questions. The questions will be..."What is your favorite thing on earth?" ANNND...."Who is your favorite person on earth?"  
Crowd: *groans* Bor-ing! Bor-ing!  
Ellie: *puts on ugly face* Despicable! Audiences are supposed to CHEER!!! Get it you people??? CHEER!!!  
Crowd: *still not cheering*  
Ellie: AUGGH!!! Would someone teach them how to cheer???  
Elsa: Sure! Ok people, just smile and yell and clap! Please? For me?  
Crowd(especially the men): *whistle, cheer, and clap*  
Elsa: Thank you *dazzling smile* Back to you, Ellie.  
Ellie: Yes. Now where was I? Ah....Lets see....our first contestant will be....Kel-a-dry of...huh??? Well, Keladry, come on over!  
Kel: Ummm, ok.  
Ellie: Ok then. What is your favorite thing on earth???  
Kel: Is this place on earth? I mean...*shuts up when Elsa gives her a killer glare* Ummm....well, its gotta be my horse, because she is SOOO nice to me....  
Elsa: What's she smoking?  
Ellie: OOOK then. Now for the second question. Who is your favorite person on earth?  
Kel: Earth? I thought this was-"  
Ellie: Shut up and answer the question!  
Kel: You can't talk to me that way, bitc*! You have no right! I am a Lady Knight of the Realm of Tortall, and-  
Meanwhile in Tortall(A/N: Bear with me here! Yes, I know that there were no TV's in Tortall.) Alanna, Daine, and their groupies were watching the show on TV.   
Alanna: *stands up* BITC*! I was the FIRST lady knight! How dare you say you are THE lady knight? Auggh!!! You BITC*!!! *punches a hole through the TV*  
Other watchers(yup, it's the groupies): *groan* Awwww, Alanna! We wanted to watch that!  
Back to the show...  
Ellie: *smirks* But we're not in Turtle, or whatever, sweet cheeks.  
Kel: DON'T CALL ME SWEET CHEEKS, YOU SLUTTY BITC*!!! *runs forward in attempt to rip Ellie's head off, only to be held back by Cleon and Neal.   
Cleon: Wait, Kel! You forgot good-bye kiss! *Kel grins and she and Cleon start making out wildly. They finish a few minutes later, seeing that Ellie had run to safety.   
Kel: Cleon you BASTAR*!!! You let her get away! *slaps him, decides it didn't hurt enough, then kicks him you-know-where, then runs off the stage in search of Ellie.  
Elsa: OOOK then. Well, I better get moving on the show. Ellie can take over when she returns-"  
Neal: *mutters in Cleon's ear* IF she returns...you know Kel...If someone gets her mad its like-nice knowing ya, bye! *Cleon snickers*  
Elsa: The next contestant is your very own...Joren of Stone Mountain! Lets hear it for him!  
Contestants: Boo! Boo! Loser! Get him outta here!   
Owen: Yeah! He smells!  
Neal: *puts poor little Owen in a headlock* Nice try little guy.  
Joren: What??? You guys don't like me??? Well, I think I need to brush my hair. (to Elsa) Hey, chick, do I have food in my teeth?  
Elsa: *edges her chair away from Joren's, gives him a strange look* Yeah, you got tons. Now shut up and listen.  
Joren: Ugh! What is it with you stupid people? You just don't tell Joren of Stone Mountain to shut up! And you NEVER insult him!  
Elsa: Why not?  
Joren: It just isn't DONE! GOT THAT, CHICK???  
Elsa: Actually- *Kel comes running back onstage, out of breath, blood on her hands, and a smirk on her face*  
Cleon: *shocked* Kel! What did you DO to her?  
Kel: Ohhhh....just a few good punches, and then she shrieked, and then I called her a bloody-  
Cleon: That's ok! We don't want to know what you called her! Just...be quiet!  
Kel: Cleon, my love, you don't want to know my greatest battle triumph??? How could this be? *gets hysterical* I mean *sob* if you don't *sob* want to sleep with me anymore *sob* that's fine!!! *starts to get really mad* I'll just go to Neal! He is hotter anyway, and I'll bet he's MUCH bigger, if you know what I mean....*smiles evilly* Oh, come here, Nealie-poo! Come on! We've got some serious sleeping to do!  
Neal: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *runs off stage* Keep her away!  
Kel: *stomps off to her chair on the stage* Gosh, men just don't have ANY appreciation for people like me!  
Elsa: I wonder why. Now lets get back to the show! Where were we, ahhh, I was talking to pond scum, but now I think we need a different contestant. Ok, here comes you're one and only, Cleon of Kennan!  
Cleon: Yeah!!!  
Kel: Go get 'em, hottie!  
Cleon: But you just said Neal was hot!  
Kel: So? You're mine, he isn't!   
Neal: *comes back onstage* Thank God(s)! You can have her all to yourself, Kennan!  
Cleon: *doesn't look too happy about that*  
Elsa: ooook then. Lets start. Mr. Kennan, what is your favorite thing in the world?  
Cleon: Ummm, I think I like food.  
Elsa: You think? This is supposed to be your FAVORITE thing. Get it? FAVORITE???!!! Do you want me to spell it out for you? F-A-V-E-O-R-Y-T!  
Neal: *snickers*  
Elsa: Hey, who said sluts had to know how to spell?  
Neal: Whoa sista! Too much info!  
Elsa: BACK TO THE SHOW!!!  
Cleon: Well, then my favorite thing in DEFINITELY Mac 'n Cheese!  
Elsa: I hate to ask, but why do you like Mac 'n Cheese so much?  
Cleon: *smiles* I LOVE sticking them in my nose and blowing them out! Don't you? Doesn't everybody?  
Elsa: Oh my god. Cleon, dear*winces*, have you visited the funny farm lately?  
Cleon: *looks confused* I don't think so, why?  
Elsa: I think you need to.  
Cleon: What's a gods-damned funny farm? *gets really mad*  
Elsa: It's a place where people like you go.  
Cleon: BITC*Y BASTAR*!  
Elsa: Bring it on, punk! *tries to make a fist, does it totally wrong according to what the Tortallans have learned. Contestants laugh uncontrollably*  
Neal: Ummm, I don't think you could hurt him with your fists like that...*snickers*  
Elsa: Wanna bet??? *goes up to Neal, socks him in the nose* Ha ha! Told ya!  
Neal: *holds his broken nose* Hey, chick, I said hurt HIM! Not me! OWWWWWWWW! I can feel my nose in the back of my head! My beautiful face is RUINED! *starts sobbing and cursing sluts like Elsa that don't punch correctly*  
Cleon: YOU'RE A HEALER, DUMMY! FIX IT!  
Neal: Oh yeah. *looks at the ceiling* Why didn't I think of that?  
Cleon: Don't ask me!  
Neal: *fixes his nose*  
Elsa: Now you people know not to mess with ME! *pounds her chest with her fist* Back to Cleon's second question. Cleon, who is your favorite person in the world?  
Cleon: Kel.  
Elsa: Why Kel?  
Cleon: You said two questions. I've already answered three, and that would be my fourth. In case sluts don't know how to count, it goes like this...  
1...2...3...4...5  
Elsa: *sighs* Do you want me to do to you what I just did you your friend over there? *jerks her thumb at Neal*  
Cleon: *grimaces* No, not especially...  
Elsa: THEN ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!  
Cleon: *stutters* o-ok.  
Elsa: Well? Why do you like about Kel?  
Cleon: *matter of factly* her butt. C'mon, where can you find a larger one? I just love cupping it in my hands and massaging it...Ohhhhhh!  
Crowd: *gasps in surprise*  
Kel: *walks out of her seat to Cleon, smiling proudly* Yup! Ohhhh, I just love you, Cleon! Of course my butt is big. Wanna see?  
Men in crowd: *licks lips, whistles, cheers, claps* Yes yes yes!!!  
Women in crowd: *glares at men, reminding them they have wives/girlfriends*  
Kel: Good! I knew you'd all wanna see it! *turns around and pulls down her breeches so the audience can see her butt* (from somewhere the song by Sir Mix Alot blares through the speakers. .) (A/N: This song is called "Baby Got Back by Sir Mix Alot. Just thought you people should know I'm not trying to copy anyone's stuff.)   
  
" Oh my God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap-guys' girlfriends. Who understands those rap guys. They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute. Okay? I mean, her butt, its just so...big! I can't believe it's just so round, and out there! I mean...Gross! Look? She's just so...Blah!  
I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!  
YOU OTHERBROTHERS CAN'T DENY!  
WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH A ITTY-BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE YOU GET SPRUNG!  
............)  
  
Men: *whistle, cheer, clap, go WILD!*  
Women: *gasp and think...Gosh! I wish mine was as big as hers! I could hook every man on this whole fricken earth!*  
Lord Wyldon: *gasps in horror* Did I really teach the pages and squires to do that stuff! I'm so proud of myself! And WOW, she's HOT!  
Elsa: Well, it's a full moon tonight!  
Kel: Oops! *pulls up breeches* Sorry Cleon, I know you want me all to yourself, but there's just so much I HAVE to share!  
Elsa: QUIET!!! Are you people trying to get me fired? We have half the show left to do and NOT MUCH TIME! My boss will fire me if I don't get this done. *looks thoughtful* Unless I can seduce him, of course. The next contestant is Lord Wyldon! C'mere, Wyldon!  
Lord Wyldon: *clears throat and straightens collar* It's Lord Wyldon to you!   
Neal: Awwwww, I knew he'd come through with his stuffiness. Stumps always do. *whiney voice* but he was doing so well at being...well...normal! Like the rest of us!  
Elsa: Normal? *snorts* sure, sure, whatever you say. Let's get going...I don't have all day!  
Ok, LORD Wyldon, what is your favorite thing on earth?  
Wyldon: My superior attitude. I just LOVE the way I teach those dull-witted pages and squires how to behave. I've never failed!  
Neal and Kel: *clears throat loudly*  
Wyldon: Well, at least not until THIS group of knights! They were just awful, and gave me TONS of gray hair didn't you, Sir Nealan and Sir Keladry?  
Kel and Neal: *like obedient little angels* Yes Your Stumpliness!   
Elsa: *snorts with laughter*  
Wyldon: Hummmph!  
Elsa: Who is your favorite person on earth?  
Wyldon: Myself. I am soooo hot, and, as I said, I love my attitude.  
Neal to Kel: He's even more of a stump than I thought!  
Elsa: *mutters* Men these days. Alright. The next contestant is Neal. Come on up, nose boy!   
Neal: *glared at Elsa* like, get your, like, mouth off my, like, face! Wait a second...*eyes Elsa's perfect figure and slinky dress* I take that back. Get your mouth ON my face, preferably my lips!  
Elsa: *smiles flirtatiously* Sorry Neal. Ya gotta wait till after the show. But lets do you a favor and speed this up. Neal, what is your favorite thing on earth?  
Neal: Your dress.  
Elsa: *smiles* why?  
Neal: *grins evilly* Because it doesn't cover much!  
Elsa: That's why I like it too! It helps people like you to see the "whole picture".  
Ok, and your second question. Who is your favorite person on earth? *looks at him expectantly*   
Neal: Well, first it was Daine. She is so hot, but pretty soon I could see that she wasn't going to leave Numair. Next I loved Uline, but she was betrothed to some retard. Then Queen Thayet was my heartthrob, but, well, she's kinda outta my league. I loved Kel, until tonight, when I saw you. Now I love you, my beautiful Elsa. I don't care that you can punch better than me, or that you make fun of me. I want YOU, ALL of you!  
Kel: *wipes a fake tear off her cheek* That was very inspiring, Neal. Musta been the best speech you ever made. Go get her, sista!  
Neal: *was on his way to Elsa, then stops dead in his tracks* Kel? Did you just call me a girl?  
Kel: Ummmm....  
Neal: DID YOU?  
Kel: Maybe...why do you care?  
Neal: I don't, but its what guys are supposed to say when called a girl.  
Cleon: *snickers*  
Kel: Where did you learn that?  
Neal: I don't know. I just thought it up.  
Kel: *snorts* YEAH RIGHT!!! You are capable of that as much as I can sew. A. K. A.....NOT AT ALL!  
Neal: Your point?  
Kel: AUGGHHH! You're hopeless. Go have "fun" with miss slut over there.  
Elsa: I'm not denying it. C"mere, Neal! *Elsa and Neal proceed to run off the stage*  
Kel: Well, I won't be seeing either of them for awhile! Thank gods.  
*one of the stagehands runs out* Well folks that's all! We'll see ya next time at Life's Favorites! Hope you enjoyed the show! Next episode we will be hosting the SOTL crew...so beware! I heard they had a lioness...and Lord knows those things are dangerous! Be-  
Kel: Excuse me; the Lioness is a person you retard! She is my role model and-  
Stage hand: *puts his hand over Kel's mouth and escorts the rest of the POTS gang offstage* See ya next-oww!*Kel bites his hand*-time!  
  
Ok people I won't torture you anymore. No more if you don't review! See ya'll later!  
~Dewdrop~ Ü ü  
  
  
  
  



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